I like to think of myself as a helpful person. If I see someone that could use my help or maybe some advice, I try to assist when I can. After learning that Angelina Jolie was having surgery and as a result would instantly be in menopause, I felt like I could help a girl out. I have lived it and I thought maybe she could learn something from my journey through the world of decreasing estrogen. So being the helpful person that I am, I decided to write her a letter. As it turns out, she really didn’t need my help.
Dear Angelina Jolie,
I recently read that you have gone through some surgery that will cause you to instantly be in menopause, and for that I am very sorry. Oh girlfriend, even being beautiful and extremely rich cannot prevent the onslaught of changes that are about to happen to you. When I heard the news, I immediately felt empathy and concern for you and I decided I was going to write you a letter to help you through this most difficult change. Then it dawned on me, Brad Pitt. I was going to tell you about the night sweats. How you will wake up in a pool of your own sweat feeling as though you have just done a night of hot yoga in your bed. I was going to warn you about how awful it is to wake up like that, drenched and then freezing from the sweat. But then I thought, wait a minute, you wake up next to Brad Pitt. I was going to give you advice on you how to survive the onslaught of hot flashes. How you will start the day in, for you, a nice $5000 cashmere sweater and within minutes of a hot flash have to strip down to your $4000 tank and eventually down to your $3000 bra. Luckily for me my $10 sweater from TJ Maxx clearance rack and $5 Tank from Target are easily replaceable after the destructive forces of sweat ravage them. You on the other hand have, well, Brad Pitt. Oh, and I was going to tell you about the middle of the night wake up calls. I was going to say you can kiss a good nights sleep good bye. How you will wake up at 2am for no apparent reason and not be able to get back to sleep. How some nights I just stare at the ceiling praying my estrogen will return to its former glory. I was worried, what would you have to stare at to get you through the insomnia? Then I realized, oh yea, Brad Pitt. I wanted to prepare you for what is about to happen to your flat stomach. That no matter how much you work out, or how little you eat; whether you go vegetarian,vegan, Paleo, whether you eat for your blood type or even drink Bullet Proof coffee, you will wake up one morning to a waist line the likes of which you have never seen. Inches and thickness will appear despite your juicing, spinning, yoga-ing, and praying. But then I thought, you might actually be the first women to benefit from a thicker waist. Also, Brad Pitt. Then I figured that I must be the one to warn you about the diminishing libido that comes with the waning estrogen. How during menopause, sex will drop on the list of your needs and priorities to about number 23; right below scrubbing grout with a tooth brush and cleaning out the shower drain. Then I remembered, never mind, Brad Pitt.
So now I have come to the realization that you really don’t need any of my advice or empathy to help you get through the change. I mean, seriously, Angelina, who needs estrogen when you have Brad Pitt. Lucky!