It’s your first day of officially being in the real world. And I was thinking, I may have forgotten to mention a few things to you over these last 22 years and I just want to be sure you hear them before you head off to your new life. I have a couple of reasons for passing these nuggets of truth on to you. First, I really do not want to be the primary cause of any of your future therapy sessions. So there is that. Secondly, when your wife is blaming me for all your frustrating habits, I want to be able to refer to this list and say to her… “See, I tried. It’s your problem now. Good luck.” So with that said, here are a few things I think are worth repeating
incase because you were ignoring me the first time, and some I may have neglected to tell you.
- Be the one to take out the trash…Your boss will see you taking initiative and your wife will be more likely to have sex with you often. It’s a win win.
- And while we are on the subject of taking out the trash…there will always be trash to take out, accept it. (literally and figuratively)
- Make it a priority to be on time…When you are late you might as well have tattooed on your forehead “Hello, I’m a slacker, and I really don’t care about wasting your time” Also, having that tattoo may take away from your good looks, and no one wants to see that happen.
- Pick the truth every time. E V E R Y T I M E. Except when I ask if the pants I am wearing make me look fat, or if I ask you if I look old. Then just go along with my harmless little fantasy world and no one will get hurt.
- Pride will ruin everything. E V E R Y T H I N G! Ask Oedipus, and Bernie Madoff. Oh yea, and ask God. He’ll tell you. Proverbs 16:18 . The flaw of every tragic character is hubris. CS Lewis said,” Pride leads to every other vice. It is pride which has been the chief cause of misery in every nation and family since the world began.” And if the guy that brought you Narnia said it, you better believe it.
- Be ready to give a genuine apology. Own your mistakes. Your boss will respect you for it and your wife will… well I’ve already covered that in the trash advice…same results.
- Now that no one is requiring you to learn, make it a point to keep learning. Take a Dale Carnegie class. Learn a new instrument. Find a new hobby. Get a certification in an area of interest. Try a new sport or a new fitness class like luge, or kick boxing, or Irish dancing. You will never regret more education; you never know when you will be able to use your new-found skills. And let me tell you, women find Michael Flatley from Lord of the Dance way sexier than Gandalf from Lord of the Rings.
- From the bathroom attendant,to the janitor, to the CEO of your company, treat everyone with respect and kindness. And frankly, you probably will need the favor of the bathroom attendant and the janitor more often than the CEO.
- I don’t need to tell you about grooming and proper attire, you have that down. But, there are a couple of accessories you should always have with you that will make a lasting impression on everyone you meet …your firm handshake, your smile, and your generosity. People won’t really remember what you said to them or what you did for them, so much as how you made them feel.
- Learn the difference between self-care and selfish. Self care is good. Don’t hesitate to take time to do it. What ever it is that recharges your batteries, do it. Guilt Free. Selfish is bad. Don’t be that guy. You know what he looks like, and he is not receiving the same benefits that the guy who is taking out the trash and apologizing is receiving.
There are so many other things I should probably include to help you succeed in work and in relationships, but I realized you probably stopped reading after the trash advice. It’s pretty much why I started with that one. Anyway I pray, as much as possible, we have set you up for success. And I can’t wait to see what the future holds for you. It goes without saying that I love you and I am so very proud of you. But there is something else I recently realized. It turns out, that after raising you to be this man you have become, I like you. I really, really like you.
PS Do I get any points for having a Narnia and a Lord of the Rings reference? Believe me I tried for the Star Wars and Lego, but I just couldn’t make it fit without forcing it. Hey, what about that? Does that last pun get me any points?