50 Shades of Depressing…

I get it, I am not the first person to turn fifty. Get over it. But, I am not going to lie, I did not handle it well.  My mind and emotions immediately went to the negative.  I’m old.  I’m divorced.  I’m struggling to raise three boys to men alone. I’m at my heaviest weight. I’m working a job that is not utilizing my gifts and talents (if I can even remember what they were or still have them). I’m  tired. Blah. Blah.  Blah. I woke up the other morning and realized my night stand looks like something you  would find in a nursing home; covered with every pain reliever, sleep aide, and wrinkle cream known to man. ( Oh yea, and don’t forget the very sexy mouth guard) My bedside  reading selection is less 50 Shades of Grey and more 50 Shades of How to Hide the Gray. Where once I would indulge in a nice Jodi Picoult  or Janet Evanovich novel, now I am perusing “How to Survive the Change” books.

It’s depressing. I used to shop for stylish belts that you could see when I tucked in my shirts, now I am on a scarf buying spree; the longer the better to cover both the neck, that overnight turned into my mother’s, and my every increasing belly. I was never so thankful to discover that sheer, flow-e tops are now in style..nothing clingy to any body part for this girl. Then I realized I was being ridiculous. So I gave myself a pep talk. (Which I find is a daily occurrence raising boys alone.)  I can’t even ask anyone for advice on  which shoes  I should wear with an outfit.  The one time I did, the answer was “who cares neither one is really going to make a difference.” Lesson Learned.   Anyway, I was really proud of myself and my pep talk.  I reminded myself how much I have to be thankful for: how far the boys and I have come after the divorce, how I may not be in the shape I am used to being in, but I am healthy. (if you don’t count my hip, my possible auto immune disease, my shoulder…well I am mostly healthy, nothing too critical.)  how my boys are all doing well, how  I have a great family and wonderful  friends,  how I may not have my dream job anymore, but I have been able to provide for the boys, and keep a roof over our heads. I felt so much better after my pep talk. Then I went on Facebook and saw this…

Are you kidding me!!!!! My new found positive attitude was decimated faster than my last attempt to go gluten free (which was embarrassingly fast) Damn her and her perfect arms and perfect husband! I can’t even use the excuse “well she doesn’t have kids” she has two, and they are relatively new and adorable..  I wish I could hate her. But, I can’t. She is really cool, and pretty, and a great employee and mom, and her husband is so good looking I told her she needs to warn people before they meet him. Oh, and did I mention she makes her own furniture … from scratch…with power tools.  So now I had a choice. Fall back onto the floor in the fetal position and hug my negativity and insecurities like a preschooler’s woobie, or accept where I am in life and keep moving forward. I hadn’t vacuumed, so I decided I would do the later.

Then my sister encouraged me to write more.  I had talked myself out of writing; again believing the negative.  “No one wants to read what you have to say, there are so many better writers than you, don’t write that, people will judge you” etc… etc… And I realized that is what I DON’T want my 50’s to be. I am ready to relax into the person I am and the person I am becoming. I am ready to believe in myself again and not worry about what everybody is thinking or saying about me. I am ready to accept where I am and move towards where I want to be. I am going to try to believe what I used to tell my clients..”accept your body in its natural size and shape and make it the healthiest temple you can” (It would help if a certain someone would stop posting pics of her perfect arms though!) So in honor of my new 50’s  attitude, I am taking my sister’s advice and I am going to get back to writing.  It is my intent to encourage you; I hope I do.  I will try to make you laugh; I hope I succeed. It is not my intent to offend you; but I may.  And now I am really going out of my comfort zone and asking you to vote for my blog as one of the top single mom blogs.  Just click on the link below.  You can vote everyday. Thanks! And now, if you’ll excuse me I have some scarf shopping to do.

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