True Confessions

I abandoned my Compassion child.  There, I said it. I stopped sending money and writing.  Here is the really bad part;  I hadn’t even thought about it, or felt bad about it until the other day.  I read a post on my FB about a friend that had gone to see her Compassion child.  Not down the street mind you.  She bought a plane ticket and flew across the ocean to Guatemala just to visit her Compassion child. And I can’t even write a stinkin’ letter to mine.  I can’t even pronounce my child’s name.    His picture is still on my refrigerator.  How could I have abandoned him?  I see his sweet, smiling face every time I open the refrigerator. Which, based on the fact that I still can’t fit into my jeans, is a lot.  And, while I am confessing…I owe my niece money for the scarfs  she is knitting for  the MS society…how could I not follow through on that?  Not supporting a ten year old girl that starts her own fund raising project for MS by organizing a group of her friends to knit scarfs for charity; that’s almost criminal.  If there
was a jail for orphan abandoning, niece neglecting wretches I would be the first inmate. I told her I would support her project, and I didn’t keep my word.  Let’s see, while I am cleaning house what else have I not kept my word on?  I told Carter I would get laundry detergent yesterday.  I didn’t do it.  I promised to make a strawberry pretzel salad for Valentines Day.  Failed. ( I did make the banana bread I promised, so that’s something. ) I have friends that are missionaries in China, I was going to support them.  I haven’t. I’m sure there are more things I have failed to follow through on, but right now, that is all my fragile self esteem can handle.  I could make all kinds of excuses, and valid ones too.  I mean I have been through three of the most stress inducing life events on the “List”.  But the bottom line is I haven’t kept my word.  Even in the little things it’s a big deal.  I feel horrible.

The way I see it, this is  the proverbial good news/ bad news .  The bad news is obvious.  I have an integrity issue.  I have a problem keeping my word.  God says this is bad. To paraphrase,  ” If you make a vow, keep it.” (actually God discourages making vows because we are so lame at keeping them) and,  how can I forget when He said, ” Let your Yes be Yes, and your No be No”.  So, I can do one of two things to fix this problem…  1. Become one third of the Helen Keller trifecta and never speak a word again, or  2. Just do what I say I am going to do.  I am going to strive for the second option from now on.   To start, here is my to do list as of now…

1. Buy detergent

2. Make  strawberry pretzel salad

3. Write  a check to my niece and mail it

4. Write  a letter to Esayase Fekadu  (see, you try and pronounce that) and tell him he deserves a better sponsor and I pray he has gotten one.  Preferably one like my friend.  And please forgive me for being a typical, self absorbed, over indulged American.

5. Write a letter to my missionary friends  asking them for their forgiveness and decide what I can commit to and then do it.

6. Think before I speak

Now for the good news.  Recognizing all my failed promises, and feeling bad about it, is a sign that I am coming back to life.  I used to say there was a chalk outline of me in the fetal position on my bedroom floor.  I don’t know why that is where I would find myself;  but many nights I would curl up on my floor and grieve. I was a bit self absorbed. The fact that I am finally becoming aware of others means I am no longer that person in the fetal position on my floor.  That’s good news!  Now if I can just learn to keep my mouth shut.  Am I the only one struggling to keep my word?

P.S.  I figured if I had to go to jail, I wanted to be Sandra Bullock.

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About splitpease

I am a mom of three teenage boys who used to be a teacher, who became a personal trainer, who had to sell my share of a personal training studio, who had to take a job running a swim and racquet club, who hopes to one day be able to do what I love and still keep a roof over my head.
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3 Responses to True Confessions

  1. Rob says:

    In this day and age, for most of us, failing to keep our word is all to often SOP.

  2. Elaine Johnson says:

    Am interested to know a bit more about your friends serving in China. Was just there last summer to visit my own offspring!
    Elaine

  3. Pamula says:

    You are so not alone here. Maybe this is one of those misery loves company things but I am so there…..my even bigger issue is the everyday things I need to do or promise to do….clean laundry, getting donation items to the store, having things prepared and ready as promised. I stink.

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