I used to wish I had OCD. I have never been able to keep a spotless house. I mean, I don’t think it has ever been bad enough for social services to come take my kids, or to end up on an Oprah show about hoarders. I have had days where I whispered a prayer as I shut the door behind me. “Please God, don’t let me die today, I have rings in my toilet and 5 loads of laundry on my laundry room floor” I really should have an emergency plan in place….maybe one of those medical bracelets that says if I die, call Molly Maids immediately! I guess i have always found better things to do than what was on my household to do list….Then I lost control. You learn very quickly living with an alcoholic that control is an illusion. Now I found myself in times of stress and chaos cleaning. Even my kids noticed it. “Mom, seriously, why are you behind the refrigerator?” You know what I remember about the “last straw” day? Scrubbing baseboards, vacuuming air vents, and washing mini blinds. I had control over at least that. I am no psychiatrist, but I have noticed a pattern in those of us who have been in situations that are beyond our control. We find things we can control like cleaning, or eating ,or our hair color. Then I read one of Tyler’s college essays and was quickly reminded…..do any of us really have any control? Here is a portion of that essay:
I knew the man with the mole on his cheek from 3:00 p.m. to 4:47 p.m. One hour, forty-seven minutes. The time I spent with that man, a man I never spoke to, taught me more about myself than anyone else ever has.
In the moments leading up to his death God showed me something:
No one is ever in control. Ever.
Regardless of the plans we make, or the precautions we take; no matter how hard we try to control the niche we have painstakingly carved out for ourselves;
God is in control.
I still find myself cleaning when things get stressful or out of control. But now, thanks to Tyler, I am reminded of who is ultimately in control. Statistics show that children of alcoholics have higher rates of OCD….I am praying that the state of my boy’s room means that they will be just fine! (to clarify, that is not a picture from my boy’s room, though they have come close to that level of disarray)